I have been struggling with choosing a major for quite a while. I change my mind just about every other day, sometimes it’s even hourly, and I certainly can’t stick with one major for more than a week at a time. The suspense, thinking, and waiting I’ve been doing only makes me all the more impatient just to pick one and then build a plan for my life from there… but I want to be completely sure about it, you know? I’m Lizzie – by definition, I’m supposed to have all my ducks in a row and everything in very organized control. That’s who Lizzie is… at least that's what she thought until she went to college and couldn’t decide on a major. It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal – lots of people are undecided in their first year of college, I know… but lots of people aren’t me! I don’t know what I want to do or who I want to be; I just want to be in control. I want to know what’s going on and how my life will pan out and what I’ll be doing for just the next four years. I would really be okay with that.
God has definitely been teaching me through this struggle. He is sovereign and He deserves ALL control, yes even mine… I just don’t want to hand it over. Sometimes I think I know what I want to major in… and then God throws a monkey-wrench into the works, confusing my passions and changing my mind. At times, I’m interested in every major offered. At others, I wonder where any of the good majors are and why people should go to college anyway. The result is panic and chaos; I can’t decide and so I’m scared. I don’t know what to do and I’m running out of classes to take. I want to take control of this situation so badly, but there is nothing I can do. Nothing, that is, but hand over my control to the only One that deserves it, the One who already has control and is waiting for me to submit to it. I know that He is not going to give me the perfect major – He’s not going to write it in the sky or whisper it in a dream (as much as I’d like Him to). Just the same, I’ve been acting like I won’t surrender to His will, time, or CONTROL until He does spell it out for me so that I can start having my own control again. But who am I fooling? I’ve never had control in the first place! It has always been His as He has always reigned supreme. Essentially, I have been trying to take something that is only rightfully His. And in the process, I’ve been stubborn, prideful, selfish, and so wrong.
I don’t have control. I never have. But I do know He who has all control… apparently I’m not trusting Him with my life, something I gave to Him years ago. I need to surrender all to Him, I know that… I guess it’s time I started acting like I know it. And so, I'm giving up; I’m choosing, or trying, to let God take the control I never even had and I’m striving to surrender to it and to His will.
Dear Jesus, I need help. I want to have control so much! But I know that I don’t deserve it. Please help me to surrender my control to your sovereignty. Help me to know what that means and how to do it. Let me glorify you with my whole life, whether I have a decided major or not. Instead of seeking a major, show me how to seek a life that glorifies you… and help me to want to do it.
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