"Face" -ing Fear

Either out of sheer boredom, since school is out, or out of a sudden interest in facial features, one of my brothers has recently taken up the pastime of analyzing faces, particularly mine. He’ll start by staring at me and then making some sort of comment – your eyes are blue; your teeth are straight; you have two holes in your nose; etc. I never quite know how to respond… Oh thank you, I feel so flattered that you noticed my nostrils… (?). Of course, these are not the only comments he makes. Being 6 years younger than I and just entering adolescence, he’s real keen when it comes to noticing acne marks and pointing them out to me. He’ll go so far as to point out everything that he thinks is wrong and laugh hysterically about the “bumps” on my face. Personally, I would rather him not stare into my face, search, and probe it for impurities. We both know it isn’t perfect… is it really necessary to point out every single hint of bad skin even if I didn’t already know about it?

Even though he is only 13 and even though his opinion of my face changes nothing, I don’t like him scrutinizing it. I don’t want anybody to look that deeply into it – I’m perfectly fine with ignoring and covering it as best as I can.

I realized the other day, though, that I ought to be asking God to do that very thing... only more intensely. Sunday morning, our pastor encouraged us to pray Psalm 139 v. 23-24.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

This prayer for God to “search, test, see, and lead me,” is a little like asking Him to analyze my face and point out ever single impurity, particularly the ones I don’t already know about (in which case I’d rather remain ignorant of as if they didn’t exist). The difference here is that a) His opinion does matter, b) He knows what really is impure since He sets the ultimate perfect and pure standard, c) He can see beneath the surface and far deeper than my brother ever could, and d) He’s looking at more than my face… He’s looking at my entire life.

My entire life - that’s definitely bigger and much higher priority than my face, and yet I’m asking God to evaluate it? I don’t want my brother to look at my face, much less would I want any sort of beautician (who would know how a face should look) to see, and yet I’m asking the standard of beauty and perfection to critique and highlight my non-beauty??? Is that what I really want? Especially in regards to my entire life? Am I only praying this because the pastor said we should? Or do I really want to change? Would I really listen even if He did reveal areas that need work?

I realize I have been praying this prayer cautiously. To be completely honest, I’m a little scared to make such a request. Do I want God, the standard of perfection, to analyze my faults? Do I really want Him to look so intently into my heart and mind? It’s a risky prayer to make, no doubt, but a necessary one at that.

This is what I want; I'm sure of it. My life is to be a series of revisions, not that I might earn acceptance into Heaven (since this has been freely given by His grace), but that I might conform to His will, cultivate inner beauty that never fades, become the woman God has created me to be, and ultimately glorify my Savior by honoring Him.