Right Now

Strangely, right now, maybe for the first time this summer, I am excited to be in AS – Associated Students (Student Government at Biola). I have been worried about it ever since I came back from summer camp because I realized that being in AS would mean giving up valuable time I could be spending with kids (like I did last semester at SAY Yes). Summer camp reminded me that I love to be around kids, that I come out of my shell when I am with them, and that God seems to use me when I am with them. Over and over again, I wonder if AS is really where I should be, or if I should be working with children or something. On top of that, I still can’t help but think of how much better a job the other Bluff candidates would have done at being a senator than I will. Somehow, I just figure that they would already have plans for an awesome Meet-n-Greet event that would entice the entire Bluff to come, whereas I am at a complete loss and feel next to confident that nobody will want to attend any event I put on. Plus, I know that those other candidates would have been experts at introducing themselves and getting to be everybody’s friend. I feel like I probably won’t be as social as they would be and that I won’t have as strong of a leadership team as they would have had (I don’t even know if I’ll have my own leadership team…). I don’t deny that I am scared to pieces about this whole thing. My fears are that I will let my constituents down by not holding to the promises I’ve already made, that the residents will get irritated with me early on and ignore any updates or questions I have for them, that I will be too quiet in government meetings, that Bluff residents and co-senators will wish one of the other two candidates had won instead of me… the list goes on. It’s easy for these fears to overwhelm me and engulf my original excitement for the position or to make me forget why I ever wanted to be a senator in the first place.

But tonight, as I started to look through all the AS documents I have been given, the notes I took during the AS meeting I attended, the briefings from my meetings with the previous Bluff senator, and the schedule of AS events I am supposed to attend, I got excited all over again. I rediscovered my original passion even in the face of all these fears. Right away, I started making a list of all the things I’ll need to do in the next few days to prepare for upcoming events and the start of the semester. Making lists… one of my favorite things to do, no joke! It reminded me of the good times I had while in student government in high school – I even delved into old documents, lists, status reports, etc. that I made back in high school to help me think straight. While most people might get overwhelmed by making or even looking at lists, especially the one I made tonight, it only makes me more excited to actually start the job and see everything come together.

While the other candidates may have truly been better candidates for the Bluff Senator, I’m realizing that God didn’t put them in that position; He put me there instead. I don’t know why, and maybe I never will. And maybe I will let residents down, in fact, I have no doubt that I will disappoint some of them – I can’t please everyone no matter how hard I try. But I am positive that God has something to teach me through this whole experience and that He will use the gifts and abilities He has given me for an ultimately good purpose. As scared as I am that I will make a fool of myself, I know that I will learn a lot through this experience and am looking forward to gaining a better understanding of how to be a servant leader, how to press-on through the disappointment of others, and how to trust God that He knows what He’s doing in my life, even when I don’t have a clue.