Desires of My Heart: An Explanation

“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything… present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7

These two verses confuse me. At least, in light of pursuing the “desires of my heart.” I thought I knew what my passion was; I thought I had it all figured out. But when it came down to it, following that desire only made me anxious. And the more I tried to follow that passion, the more anxious I became and the less peace I had… until I realized that God might be leading me in a different direction.

5 years ago, my family adopted a little boy from China. The whole family had the opportunity to tour China for two weeks as we went through the process of picking him up. I totally enjoyed my time there – learning the language, experiencing Chinese culture, trying to understand Chinese thought, and so much more. Ever since then, I have had an insatiable longing to return to China. In fact, I decided almost 6 months ago that I wanted to return to China during this coming summer and that I would do whatever it took to go – even if it meant leading a trip there. I even took a class over my winter-break so that my summer would be completely free to go to China. So when I found out that my school was offering a 6-week ministry trip there this summer, I was convinced it was the trip for me; it had to be God-ordained.

Yet, as I started the application process for the trip, I was filled with anxiety and fear; I didn’t feel any peace or excitement about going on the trip. I was so confused! And every time I prayed about it, I felt God was telling me to pursue my passion. Well, China was my passion, right? Or was it?

At the time I was filling out the China trip application, I was actually a little sad since the trip conflicted with an elementary summer camp my church was offering. They had asked me to be a camp counselor this summer and, for the first time in my life, I was interested in doing it. When I found out the trip to China would conflict with the summer camp, I was surprised at how disappointed I was; I hadn’t realized I was that interested in being a camp counselor. When I thought about pursuing my passion, as God encouraged me to do, I figured elementary summer camp was not the passion He was talking about. After all, the summer camp is only 1 week long – as compared to a 6 week China trip, and would only be 2 hours away at most – as compared to halfway across the globe. And besides, I’ve wanted to go back to China for a long time now. This was my chance to go… and for 6 weeks!

But even after I got the acceptance letter for the China team, I realized I wasn’t really excited to be gone from home for 6 weeks. I tried to make myself excited – I acted excited and told people I was excited… but it wasn’t working. And I didn’t have a clue why not either. Why was I suddenly so uneasy about my “passion”? Why did I want to go to summer camp so badly? Was it just because it was within my comfort zone? Was it really even summer camp I was interested in, or just being at home in general? Was the devil trying to hold me back from accomplishing something great? So many questions flooded my mind!

But when I brought it to the Lord, I still felt like I received the same answer: pursue my passion. Well okay, but what in the world IS my passion?? Summer camp can’t really be my passion, can it? I mean, I don’t even know where they are going or what I would be doing. I don’t even know what grades are invited! Plus, I only just became part of the church staff a few months ago; could this passion have really developed that quickly?

So I figured I’d better stick with China; I’d probably get excited later as I got more involved with it. But the deeper I got in and the further along in the process I stepped, the more uncomfortable I felt with the trip as a whole. I tried to shoo away my anxieties, but I couldn’t escape them.

With help from a few friends, I realized that I had been guessing what God’s will was and then going along with it; I had just figured that since China was on my mind so much, I was supposed to go on this trip – I didn’t really seek God’s will in it first.

I finally allowed myself to consider the possibility of not going to China. The very second I considered it, I was actually excited… it was weird. I was more excited about not going than about going. I took it to the Lord again. And this time, I waited for Him to answer. I went to the little chapel and remember praying, crying, reading Scripture, praying some more, and waiting. I didn’t even know what I was waiting for, but I waited anyway. Before long, a girl across the aisle walked up to me and told me she thought the Spirit was leading her to pray with me. I nodded in agreement – I had been waiting for anything; maybe she was it. She prayed with me and asked if there was anything I wanted to tell her or anything she could pray for. With tears smeared across my face, I told her that I was on the China team, but wasn’t feeling called to go. She held my hand and told me that it was a hard decision, but that it is good when the Spirit confirms something to us. Before she left, she said that God would have other plans for me this summer and that she would be praying.

As I left the chapel, I felt peace – peace I hadn’t felt since I applied for the trip. I felt like a huge burden was taken off of my back and I nearly ran back to my room, restraining myself from skipping and dancing the whole way. I couldn’t wait to tell my mom or my friends that I had made a decision – I wasn’t going to China, and I was confident about it. But almost more than that, I couldn’t wait to call up the church directors and let them know that I was coming to camp after all.

I’m not anxious anymore, but now I have even more questions. Like, why do I have a passion for China when doors to go there keep closing? Why is God leading me into children’s ministry? Is it really a “passion”/“desire of my heart”? Or is it just something fun to do?

I DON’T KNOW.

What I do know is that trying to make myself excited for China did not calm my anxieties. I only had peace when I took it to the Lord… that’s when He opened the door to a different desire of my heart. And with all honesty, I can say that I really am excited to go to summer camp and I can’t wait to see how God will use my summer for Him!

I don’t think this means that I should reject my passion for China; I don’t know what it means about China. Who knows? Maybe God will use this passion some years down the road from now. I’m choosing now to lay this passion down at His feet, to let Him use it for His glory in His own timing. I’m also choosing to lay my passion for childrens ministry and summer camp down at His feet… for all I know, God could have another plan for me this summer that doesn’t include elementary camp. But whatever His plans are, I know they are for His glory and I pray that I would willingly submit to His will and would serve Him no matter what I end up doing.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” –Proverbs 19:21

“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11